Lexi

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
eshaninjer

To the decade that was

eshaninjer

To the decade that was a storm,

a whirlwind of emotions, 

a rollercoaster of high highs

and low lows; 

to the years that shaped me 

into this shell, into the armour 

I wear today and the 

falls of despair and gloom I fight 

on the battlegrounds of my mind. 

-

To the years of loneliness and 

fear; to the tears, and anguish.

Thank you. 

I am no one today if not for the 

soul that survived.

-

To the happy days and cheerful smiles,

the laughter, and the

subtle blushes that warms my heart.

Thank you, 

For all the moments 

between the memories, the good,

the not so good and the bad. 

I’ll never forget you.

-

To the words bled and the stories lived 

may your magic live on,  

and grace the new year with 

everything I need to carry on

To the liferaft keeping me afloat 

I hope you never give way 

to the waves. I can’t win. 

I can’t swim. I’m scared.

It’s time to venture into 

the great unknown. Alone. 

-

This is my blank page,

my white canvas, my clean slate.

-

To the decade that was 

heartbreaking and exhilarating, 

I say goodbye. 

Thank you for everything. 

I’ll miss you and the hope 

you held hostage.

It’s time to dream beyond the 

silver horizon.

-eshaninjer

lovinglonelyeyes
lovinglonelyeyes

puff, cough

puff

your lungs burn over

and over

and over again


"you came back!" they say,

it's as though the world is just a tad bit brighter

and lighter

and well, better.


you do not realize i know what you are doing,

why would you care?

they speak to you like a mother to her child


sweet, but stern

loving, but sour

bright, in your eyes.


until you






cough




the blood pours out of your mouth like the promises you made me

"i won't ever again!"

i am unaware how someone can be as selfish as you

you were not obligated

but you chose to go to that brightened world



without me.

insomniac-dot-ink

To See Yourself

insomniac-dot-ink

I wish to melt like the snow
And become less of myself.
I wish to tear away like a leaf
From the tree and flee
These branches from
Which I’ve sprung from.

I wish to be unrooted, unbound,
And torn apart into something 
More than myself.

I wish to violently crash
Against the cliffside like
The ocean waves and refuse
To come back together again.
I wish to grab this person I’ve
Become and shake some new
Life into the limbs,
Some new words 
Into the thoughts,
And some new ways
Into my own sticky limitations.

And yet, and yet, and yet,
The snow tells me it becomes
The clouds again.
And the leaves tell me
They become the ground.
And the ocean says that I 
Am always whole. No matter
How many times I try
To escape myself, my spine
Still holds me up,
My heart still pumps blood,
My lungs still softly fill with air,
And my world is still cupped
By my body- a complete thing
Made by the snow and trees
And the ocean themselves.

Bursting green bushes
In my lungs, grass
Against my guts,
And feathery light
Moss within my ligaments,
I am but nature 
Waiting to happen
And human, for now.

And isn’t it mine to enjoy?
Mine to revel in? Not odd 
Or off or wrong as I hold
myself up to the flame of
judgement and cry in frustration,
But I am but perfect, another way to 
Be alive in any form I take.

insomniac-dot-ink

Am I grown up yet?

insomniac-dot-ink

TESTIFY!

I never found a god
To stay with me past
The meaningless nights
Of anger and loss
Of childhood.

TESTIFY!

She told me to pray
And I never found
A voice to answer
My desperate pleas
Of the night, of the soft,
Of the ache.

TESTIFY!

What kind of
God ignores children?
What kind of God exists
At all only to hurt?
And I have smashed my 
Faith upon the rocks
Of silence and found 
Something to replace
My anger with resolution.

TESTIFY!

I’ve drowned my fury and
Picked up my own pieces
And I have walked away
From the fractured
Harm of a life led sideways,
I have stopped believing.

TESTIFY!

And either way,
You haven’t been listening.

insomniac-dot-ink

Love is

insomniac-dot-ink

Love is not a thing with feet,
It is a thing with hands,
Fingers to link together
And palms to press firm
And finding new ways
To hold someone close
And call it permanence.

Love is not a thing with hands,
It is a thing with lips,
Words to gently form
Cracks in your walls and 
Kisses to turn golden-brown
In the pressure cookers of our hearts
And call it limitless.

Love is not a thing with lips,
It is a thing with wings.
Feathers to brush soft 
Across your face and
Powerful flight to find you,
To find you again after 
You’ve been lost at sea,
And call it easy.

Love is not a thing with wings,
It is a thing of breath:
Borderless, wordless, formless.
Filling you up so silently it hurts.
Everywhere but perhaps
A fleeting, falling thing that
Disappears without roots.
And call it death itself.

Love is not a thing,
But we call it a dawn,
a cry in the dark, a buoy
in the drowning, and thing
of hope, of hope, of hope.

insomniac-dot-ink

Before the Universe

insomniac-dot-ink

And I said to the night sky
“I am nothing to you.”
“I am nothing to you.”

And the sky replied
“Oh, my tiny speck
Of star stuff, without
Your eyes there is
Nothing to make me real.
Without your tears
There is no one 
To make me beautiful.
Without your words
There is no one 
To softly color
My dark edges
And make me
More, more, more
Than I ever was before.”

And I wept again
To make the stars
Beautiful and said
“I am nothing without you.”

And the sky replied,
“Then we shall make
Each other whole through
The only way we know how:
Watch me and I shall watch you 
And through each other
We shall create miracles.”

And together, let there be light.